“If at first you don’t succeed, try to hide your astonishment” could not have been a more perfect title to Vainety Fair today. Just the thought made me double over in laughter to put a light spin on what could be considered a painful day. You see, I was rejected today. Yes me, Krissy Vaine, rejected for the millionth, bazillionth time in my life and it was not fun! Honestly, rejection never gets easier, but the amount of time I take it personally has reduced drastically over the years. Thank goodness! Fear of rejection is what I believe, keeps many people in their same redundant ‘safe’ life. Scared to come outside of their box, scared to spread their wings and fly. Luckily, I think of myself as pretty resilient, though it’s not always easy to be so! Human nature craves acceptance and it is one of the best feelings in the world when we do get it. But not everything can be rosy all the time! That wouldn’t even make sense… how would we grow? As a wrestling diva, model, actress and person who’s chosen to be in the entertainment business, I’ve had my fair share of both. But to be honest with all of you, there are many more nos in this business than yeses. That being said, it still doesn’t make it any easier.
Last week, I had an audition here in the town where I live for a big production that would be taking place in the springtime. Funny thing about these auditions is that you are often in a waiting room staring at your competition. Sizing them up. Wondering what their credentials are in comparison to yours and of course, if the role calls for a certain ‘look’, trying to figure out who is the best fit. Of course in my own mind, I was above and beyond the best person for the role. I nailed the audition, fit the character prototype perfectly, and honestly in my opinion, was the bomb diggity and a shoe in. (At this point, a piece of humble pie would be appreciated.) Good grief!
You can imagine my shock and utter amazement when I am informed by email that someone else was given the part! Grr, what?! EXCUSE ME??? In 0.2 seconds flat, my ego began to take over; tears started to well in my eyes, my bottom lip started to quiver and the waterworks started. It took me back to the 10th grade when I was cut from the cheerleading squad. In 10th grade, I thought my life was over. I had been cheering since I was practically born and what would I do for the year without it? And why me? What had I done to deserve that? However, somehow I got through that year and I expanded my horizons and branched out to learn things I never would have if I had been busy with the squad. I traveled with a theatre group and I started my first job that would teach me to work for my independence. The next year, I made the squad again as if a beat had never been skipped. The year without it had actually been a blessing and many lessons had been learned.
So back to the now. I cried about that silly email for about an hour. The first emotion was sadness, I had really wanted to be a part of this and they didn’t want me! Then I felt sorry for myself and I can imagine my neighbors could hear me playing the tiniest violin in the world for myself. And then it gets better, this is good, seriously… Then the girl who thinks she’s ready to start reading ‘The Course’ (in Miracles, I’m reading the intro now) goes to the darkest part of herself that she can find and thinks the ugliest thoughts possible. Even though I knew what was happening, it was impossible for me to stop it. My ego had taken over and she was relentless. Remember I told you guys that I was in a room with my competition? I was able to look them up and down, study them, pick them apart and I had put myself as ‘better’ than them. I’ll have you all know that nasty little gremlin part of me that I try so hard to keep buried deep, deep down came up from the wenches to try to console my bruised ego. Gremlin Krissy put thoughts into my head such as: “Really, did they see what those other girls looked like?” and “Um, hello! Did you not see my headshot?” and “Uh, yeah, do you not know who I am?” I’m completely ashamed by my thoughts but I tell the story because it happens to the best of us… I think. Thank goodness I only let the gremlin have me for about five minutes and then I squashed her to a pulp and told her we would not be going ‘there’. Funny thing is that the gremlin is cute and harmless to the untrained eye. She looks just like, well, me. It’s just the state I choose to live in. The gremlin has had me before and I won’t let her have me again. Everyone has that choice.
Just because this group didn’t want me or doesn’t want me, doesn’t mean that in a week from now someone else won’t. They say when one door shuts in your face, be ready for another to soon open. Before I recieved my contract with WWE, I had something like 12 tryouts over the course of a year and a half, if not more. If you want something, go after it and don’t let one little pebble in your path cause you to trip and fall. And if you do fall, pick yourself up and try again. A little bit of Neosporin will heal those cuts and bruises right up and down the road, they will barely be visible, but they will have left their mark. I decided that this rejection was meant to be a lesson for me and hopefully give me an opportunity to teach. It’s been a dream since I was a little girl to change people’s lives and I believe I’ve been given the gift of my own ‘truth’ so I can share it with all of you. Embarassing as it may be, sometimes to share with you all so many of my personal stories is cleansing and maybe helpful to someone out there. Divas don’t necessarily get everything they want, even though gosh darnit, we sure try! I guess we (me included) should focus on enjoying the journey and picking up the pieces along the way rather than freak out about getting to the destination. Just a thought.
For now I leave you with a brand new picture from my latest photoshoot shot by photographer Mary Haywood. Hope you like it!
Until next time,
Krissy
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