Welcome to the first edition of Identity Parade here on Diva Dirt! Whether it’s a ‘whodunnit’ or a ‘whoisit’ (I’ve coined that term myself), Team DD are on the case, and we’ll try our very best to solve each investigation, but we need your help! Together, we’ll aim to leak some secrets or be the meddling kids that make sure any villainous vixens don’t get away with it! Det. Jack White is on the case for this inaugural assignment, and boy is it a big one!
The WWE Universe has been on tender hooks for the last couple as months as we’ve been left wondering ‘Who Attacked Kaitlyn’? It’s been the biggest cliff-hanger since ‘Who Shot J.R’ in ‘Dallas’ (and I don’t mean Jim Ross, he’s just been set alight before) so understandably, you’re all speculating as to who might have assaulted the Hybrid Diva from behind, allowing Eve to take her place in a match against Layla and capture the WWE Divas Title.
In this column, I’ll be providing the case notes and presenting you with our police line-up of the potential dastardly divas who could have committed the crime. I’ll be sifting through the Prime Suspects, the Dark Horses and the not so likely Sublimely Ridiculous to find out once and for all who the ambiguous assailant is!
Sublimely Ridiculous
Name: Maria Menounos
Previous Convictions: Burying Beth Phoenix; burying Beth Phoenix. SHE DID IT TWICE, GOD DAMN!
Case Notes: We all know that the ‘E love a bit of Miss Menounos and I wouldn’t be shocked if the reveal of Kaitlyn’s attacker was that bit ‘Extra’ shocking. Whilst I slap myself repeatedly for that awful pun, consider this: If Maria Menounos can win at WrestleMania, she could be capable of anything! There have been rumors in the past that WWE are looking to use the popular TV personality again, could this be the time? Are we about to bare witness to the debut of Maniac Menounos? Judging by the mug shot to the right, I think that would be a fantastic gimmick for Maria!
Name: Chilli
Previous Convictions: Getting far too much air time on WWE TV.
Case Notes: Now I don’t know about you, but Chilli is featured on way too many WWE events for my liking. She says she is with her children but for all we know, they could be actors that she hired as part of her elaborate WWE debut plan. The TLC star could have been waiting for years, patiently watching from the side-lines, ready to strike. Her finisher could be called the Waterfall or the Chilli Dog or something along those lines and I’m sure, like me, she has been dreaming of this moment for a long time. One thing is for sure, if Chilli did attack Kaitlyn, things would never be the same again. Had to get that Lisa Left Eye reference in!
Verdict: After looking at all our probable assailants, my scent is definitely leading me to Eve. The Divas Champion has had a lot of fingers pointed at her and there’s never smoke without fire if you ask me. Whilst Eve herself may not have carried out the attack, I believe she has hired someone to do the job for her. Whilst we sit tight to await the result of this storyline, I will make sure to play lots of Cluedo in the hope that I become better at this detective malarkey! Det. Jack White, signing off.
