“I’m here for the Divas.”
That’s the first thing I see in the crowd as I begin this episode of Monday Night Raw. It’s things like that particular sign that give me hope and make me feel like there are people out there other than Diva Dirt that appreciate the Divas. I have a feeling this episode of the flagship show is going to leave me with a warm and fuzzy feeling when I’m finished watching. I saw a little of it last night while I was working out, and needless to say when Prince Dawlf and Khal Christian were wrestling, my heart rate spiked and I caused quite a spectacle of myself while alternating between the elliptical and treadmill.
From what I’ve gathered thus far, and from what little I’ve seen, our favorite geek goddess, AJ, is heavily featured in this episode of Raw. I have no problem with that because in my humble opinion, AJ is the best thing the Divas have going on right now. But I’m not going to get ahead of myself. We’re going through this thing from top to bottom and like Melanie predicted on Twitter earlier, this Redux is going to be nothing short of an absolute masterpiece.
Then again, do you expect anything less from your own resident Khaleesi?
Just a random thought and you can expect a lot of these during the course of this impressive publication. But am I the only one who can’t take Albert seriously as Lord Tensai knowing he used to wear a hair shirt and was called “Prince Albert” for a very specific reason? He definitely gives me creeper S&M vibes. Gag.
Like I said, we are starting at the beginning and last night’s first Diva sighting was the lovely and vivacious Vickie Guerrero.
She politely interrupts Big Johnny, Teddy, and Vince and reminds all of them that there are two former World Champions on the roster in Jack Swagger and our very own Prince Dawlf. Vickie tells the boys that a great idea would be to have the two of them face off against Sheamus at No Way Out in a triple threat match for the championship.
Brilliant.
Vince tells Vickie that is a great idea and says that he’s sure Big Johnny will take it into consideration. Vickie leaves all smiles. Vince challenges Big Johnny to come up with a better match and like a true team player, BJ turns to Teddy for his ideas. Teddy comes up with the bright idea to have all four former World Champions on the roster face off in a fatal four-way elimination match to determine the number one contender. Prince Dawlf and Jack Swagger will be involved, and he also says the Great Khali and Khal Christian should get in on it as well. Prince Dawlf and Khal Christian? My heart skips a beat.
Tonight’s gonna be a good good night…
Oh, my God… as Raw returns from commercial break, Tensai is still in the ring with Sakamoto. First of all, how awkward is it for them to still be in the ring after that lengthy backstage segment and the entire commercial break. And secondly, how awkward is it that I’m right about the creepy S&M vibes? Grabbing Sakamoto by the hair, yelling at him, and slapping him in the face? I guess I can be thankful he got his butt kicked instead of having Tensai punish him with the cane.
Warning… the Redux is for mature audiences only. All you little 12 year olds who like to read this thing need to go else where. Just sayin’!
Did Jerry Lawler just mention the show “Lassie”? I remember when Lassie was picked up by a dairy truck and taken from her home. I cried for hours and hours, because I didn’t think Lassie would make it home to Timmy. Anyway…
IT’S MATCH TIME! We have a mixed tag team match tonight. Santino Marella is teaming with our Divas Champion, Layla. They will be taking on the team of Beth Phoenix and Ricardo Rodriguez.
The match is what I expected it to be and then some. I knew with Ricardo and Santino involved it would be comedy, but what I didn’t expect is that the Divas would get the spotlight. Everything pointed to this being amazing when Beth literally had to drag Ricardo out to the ring. He was dressed in his tuxedo, and he wanted absolutely nothing to do with this match. Beth and Layla started things off and they were so spot on. Beth brings out the best in everyone she works with and this match had solid offense and so many bright spots. Ricardo tagging in so he could pin Layla made me giggle because he clearly didn’t understand the rules of the match. When Santino got in the ring, Albie’s butler squealed, wrapped his arms around Beth’s waist and begged her not to make him wrestle Santino. Beth ordered Ricardo out of the ring and told him to stay out, and she went back to work against Layla.
These two ladies so need another pay-per-view match. The ending saw Beth cheap-shot Layla in her surgically repaired knee and nail her with a Glam Slam. She got the win for her team, and more importantly, she got a win over the Divas Champion. The LULZ continued when Ricardo celebrated like he had just won Euro 2012, and he was mocking Layla getting beat. Santino took exception and ripped open Ricardo’s dress shirt to reveal a skin-tight purple Justin Bieber shirt underneath. My only question about that is this; which Diva did that shirt truly belong to or did it come from Zack Ryder’s closet?
We see Daniel Bryan walking backstage. This surely means we will be seeing our beloved AJ. After last week’s curious stare down with Kane and SmackDown’s shenanigans, there’s surely a lot that’s going to be said.
“Kane thinks getting to second base is when a woman looks him in the eyes and doesn’t vomit,” Daniel Bryan says in what I’m sure will be the best one-liner of this entire show.
God, Daniel Bryan is brilliant. “Once you go Bryan, there is no point in trying.” I can’t.
What’s so great about this particular segment is everything is basically centered around the most unlikely Diva you can imagine. When Punk comes out, he defends AJ’s honor in his own little way if you want to think of it like that. He’s okay with her being a little crazy, and guess what, CM Punk digs crazy chicks. He lets DB know that outside of the ring, AJ is way out of his (DB’s) league. Bryan and CM Punk go back and forth with one another and it gets pretty personal. The third participant in this Sunday’s triple threat match, Kane, decides to make his presence felt as well. He comes out and reminds both DB and Punk that he is a true monster, that his pipebombs, so to speak, are the legit thing. He reminds not only his opponents but all of us lucky viewers that he once set Jim Ross on fire and once electrocuted Shane McMahon’s testicles. And he also reminds us that he tombstoned a priest. What Kane fails to mention is that he also slept with the corpse of Katie Vick, but I suppose even monsters must suppress some memories. All the testosterone in the ring seems a little much so the woman of the hour, AJ, decides to come down and inject some estrogen into the conversation.
She tells the boys that they need to stop fighting and addresses them all individually. She tells Kane that when she looked into his eyes last week she saw that he had a heart. She reminds all of us that she’s not over Daniel Bryan, her first true love. Then she declares that CM Punk is the coolest guy she has ever met. After a dramatic pause of a moment, AJ makes one final declaration. She says that come Sunday, the best man will win. But who will that be?!
That’s not all. Big Johnny appears on the ‘Tron and says that in the spirit of people power he is going to make a match never before seen. He tells DB and Kane that they will put their differences aside tonight in order to team up. They will face off against CM Punk and his partner, the 95-pound distraction (DB’s words, not Big J’s!), AJ. The crowd is pretty shocked. I’m pretty shocked. DB is grinning like a Cheshire cat. Kane just looks like Kane. And AJ is giving Punk the most sheepish look I’ve ever seen.
Did someone accidentally forward Bobby’s harassing emails to WWE Headquarters to the creative staff?
This is incredible.
Do you want to know what else is incredible? Prince Dawlf and Khal Christian in the ring together. I missed Friday’s match so getting a chance to watch another one is making my heart pound. You would expect for my loyalties to be divided but with what is at stake, I’m cheering for Prince Dawlf. I’m happy with Khal Christian being the Intercontinental Champion. Now if Prince Dawlf can win the World Heavyweight Championship, my little wrestling life would be made. Picture a WWE where both Dolph and Christian wore gold around their sexy waists… isn’t it amazing? I don’t think Vincent Van Gogh could paint a better picture than what I’ve got going on in my mind right now. A world of blond hair, gold belts, and skimpy wrestling tights….
Editor’s Note: Apologies for Cryssi going horribly off track. We try and give our writers a fair platform to express their opinions even if they aren’t necessarily the right things to talk about.
As we fade from Prince Dawlf’s victorious expression, we find ourselves backstage. Natalya (wearing a recycled dress) is with Vince. She’s gripping his hand and telling him how much his match with Bret at ‘Mania meant to her family. She wants to do it again and rattles off a list of her family members who should be involved — including her Aunt Allison. Vince is overwhelmed and tells Nattie that they can talk about it later. She wants his reassurance that he will meet her back here in a few minutes. Vince agrees and gets the heck away from her, but he doesn’t get far in his journey until he’s bombarded by two divalicious Funkdactyls.
Naomi and Cameron appear out of nowhere and they want to know if Vince will overturn Big Johnny’s decision to ban the Funkasaurus from Raw. Vince isn’t so sure he should do that and the girls start pouting. Cameron points out that she thought Vince was one of the coolest cats around and with little else he could possibly say at this point, Vince declares that somebody better call his mama. Yes, they dance. And yes, it’s priceless. They do the entire little routine and it even ends with Vince striking the Brodus Clay pose. Naomi and Cameron sashay off to Planet Funk and Vince regains his composure, straightens his tie, and decides to be on his merry way.
But wait — there’s Zack Ryder with the most shockingly stunned expression on his face that one can imagine. Vince again seizes the opportunity, mother ‘effin’ fist pumps, and blurts out, “Woo woo woo, you know it.” Holy crap.
This is about as wonderful as when Kelly Kelly defended the World Heavyweight Championship on SmackDown last year. Yes, I went there.
After the return of Vader (really?), an amazing segment with DB and Vince, and some other crap (Sin Cara), we finally get a chance to turn our attention to what’s really important tonight. AJ teaming with CM Punk to face DB and Kane. Backstage, AJ is getting ready, and understandably she’s kind of freaking out. Punk does his best to calm her nerves, and AJ seems to take what he says to heart. She plants a big kiss on his cheek and scampers off, leaving the WWE Champion bewildered and thoughtful, wondering how he’s going to get them out of this mess unharmed. Maybe the writer in me made that last part up but this is going to be amazing. Seriously.
When something can legit stun me speechless like that entire match just did you know that whatever happened is truly a masterpiece. What can I say about AJ? She’s the best thing the WWE has going right now, period. Her quirkiness, sense of style, and attitude already set her apart from the other Divas. She is herself right down to her Chucks. This is everything she’s ever wanted to do her entire life and she is working the main event scene with a WWE legend and two of the absolute best to ever step foot inside the ring. She’s been put into the most intriguing storyline to come around in a long time and she’s been a given a character to play that has three completely different men thoroughly captivated.
I didn’t know what to expect from this tag team match. Would if be reminiscent of when Candice Michelle had to team with John Cena to take on whoever it was that they faced? I apologize because my memory really doesn’t go that far back. I never, ever expected my lasting image to be a confused Kane, a bewildered CM Punk, and a shocked Daniel Bryan. AJ sitting in the middle of the ring a la CM Punk with a smirk on her face is one of the best Divas moments in the history of the Divas. This storyline wouldn’t work with anyone else. It had to happen with AJ and I don’t know who came up with it, but thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The match wasn’t a wrestling clinic. DB and Punk are always good together. Kane eventually got tagged in and accidentally, AJ was tagged too. She seemed hesitant to get in the ring but with Punk disposed of, she had little choice. The referee didn’t try and stop it, he let it be. He was just doing his job. AJ stood there, looking at Kane, and savoring the moment. No one knew what she was going to do, least of all the Big Red Machine. AJ decided to toy with this unusual object of affection. She smiled and batted those chocolate brown eyes of hers, and then skipped around much to the amusement of the crowd. She ended up behind Kane and finally he whipped around. AJ beamed and then leaps into his arms. Before anyone count to ten, she started kissing Kane. And kissing him. It was a relentless assault of kisses from the lifelong WWE fan to Kane, the man who was made famous thanks to the Katie Vick storyline. God, why do I keep going there?
AJ finally released Kane from her lips and slipped from his body. Kane was baffled. He was confused. Kane fell victim to a woman. To quote the amazing Cersei Lannister, “Tears aren’t a woman’s only weapon. The best one’s between your legs.” Okay, so we didn’t quite go there, but the you get the idea — feminine wiles and all.
Kane tagged in DB and left the match. He slowly made his way up the ramp. AJ was left to face her ex, but CM Punk came to her rescue. The champ and AJ got the win, but it was AJ who ended up the real winner in this. She was in the middle of the ring with Punk on the outside on one end, and Daniel on the outside on the other end. Kane was on the ramp, still confused. No one really knew how to react. AJ did. She reacted beautifully. In character, she was smirking. No doubt that out of character, her heart was racing.
When someone like AJ, with her back-story and her passion, gets a moment like this to shine, tears come to my eyes. No one on that roster deserves this opportunity more than she does right now. She’s said herself she scraped together every single penny she had to fly to Florida and try out for the WWE, and it ended up working out in her favor. Thank God it did. Good things do happen for good people and AJ is one of the best people I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting.
I don’t know what direction they’re going to go in Sunday, but I feel like it’s going to result in AJ using her charm to distract Kane and cost CM Punk his championship. I think Daniel Bryan will walk away with the WWE Championship and next week on Raw, it will be revealed that everything has been a master plan from the start. AJ and Daniel Bryan make magic together and they could be one of the greatest heel duos we’ve seen in a long time. Time will tell if that’s the route the ‘E goes, but I pray that it does.
It’s kind of like all four of these great people are playing the Game of Thrones. I can’t wait to see who wins and stands on top come Sunday.
It brings me back to the sign I saw in the crowd as Raw went on the air: “I’m here for the Divas.” I’m so glad that the fan holding that sign got his money’s worth and then some.
Until next time… Cryssi out!
