Mmmkay, let’s be honest here. Sunday’s episode of Total Divas was probably the best episode in history. It was absolutely hilarious, even though I still can’t decide if it was supposed to be or not. The great thing is, it doesn’t matter if it was or not, because this little recap is able to be filled with my personal opinions, and that’s the greatest thing about writing for Diva Dirt. Well that and the fact that we support the art of women’s wrestling like no other website on the planet.
When we left off with Total Divas back in the fall, I was completely annoyed with it. The majority of the cast was boring me to tears. The “Nena” drama was getting to the point where it was almost excrutiating to watch. It was just so stale. I hate saying that, because no one loves trashy reality television more than me, but it was true. I was dreading watching every single week and when it ended, I cheered. And then, of course, I cried when I found out it was going to be back so soon and I would have to go right back to work on it.
Ugh, I sound like such a negative Nancy. And trust me, I’m all about sunshine, rainbows, and fluffy little kittens.
And let me just say, that there’s more to the kitten world than just PERSIANS NATTIE!!! Just because you happen to think that YOUR Persian cats are cute, doesn’t mean that all other cats are ugly and inferior. Girlfriend, your tweet a couple of weeks ago really just rubbed me the wrong way.
Nattie always seems to have some object shoved up somewhere it doesn’t belong and thank the wrestling/entertainment gods that that fact was on full display last night. OMG…. so hilarious. But I am getting way ahead of myself. So anyways, back on subject real quick before we do launch into what happened on last night’s delightful show, Total Divas was stale. I assume someone else felt the same way because the cast was revamped. Naomi and Summer Rae were sent packing. Paige and Alicia Fox were welcomed with open arms, and it looks like this season isn’t going to be a snoozefest like the last.
So back to Nattie.
Yes, I’m giggling. Last night, Nattie got the bright ahead to push her stuffy ways to the side and go hang out with 22-year old Paige. This was always going to be a disaster, lets be real. We’ve seen Nattie attempt to party in the past and it never goes well. She always ends up feeling uncomfortable and making things awkward for absolutely everyone involved. So Paige takes her to this random house party that has random people, random Fandango, and random Wade Barrett (which is okay by me because he is probably the hottest thing I have ever seen in my life; seriously, I’ve met him in person a couple of times… GORGEOUS). In a nutshell, this is all just very random.
Natalya is out of her comfort zone, because unless it’s a Louis Vuitton store or Persian kitten breeding house she isn’t in her element, and Paige makes things worse for our third-generation Diva. Nattie takes a bite of a brownie, and well… we all know not to eat the brownies at house parties. So naturally, when Paige informs Nattie that there is pot in the brownies, Nattie has a mental breakdown.
AND SHE ONLY HAD ONE BITE.
Nattie is now convinced that everyone sees her a drug addict because she had one bite of a brownie that contained pot, and the next morning when she went to meet Paige and Emma on the treadmill, she was still feeling the after effects. So, I’ll be honest, I smoked pot once or twice back in my college days and never once did I wake up the next morning and feel side effects. In fact, I don’t even think it bothered me while I was doing it which leads me to believe it was probably from a dime bag (not that I know what that is or any of the other lingo =X). So I know for a fact that Nattie didn’t have some drug induced hangover, but like usual, she was super dramatic about it. Emma’s bitchy faces during this scene basically said everything that I was feeling.
As amazing as all of that is, things escaladed when Nattie was tipped off that the ‘E was randomly drug testing that day. So like any normal, non-drug user Nattie decided to try and get out of the drug test by crashing her car into a dumpster while she had another passenger inside of it. Because you know, that’s what sane people. That’s totally not a sign of mental illness or excessive use of drugs right there. Oy vey.
Ariane, who was Nattie’s passenger wasn’t impressed, and when they all got to the arena Nattie made sure that Cameron didn’t repeat what really happened inside that car. The paranoid Diva ended up doing her drug test, despite the fact she made it clear she didn’t have to use the restroom, and I’m sure on some follow-up episode we will find out that Nattie’s piss was as crystal clear as the waters of St. Tropaz on a blissful summer day.
SPOILER ALERT!!!!!
IT WAS ALL A JOKE!!!!!
Later on in the episode, Paige decided to fess up to Nattie that she had been lying about pot being in the brownies. She even womaned up and went to Nattie’s house to make the confession, after bringing Nattie nasal spray and cat toys to try and sooth things over. Of course this involved a scene with Nattie actually using the spray and having it drip from her nose, because for a woman’s who’s gimmick used to be farting backstage I expect no less. Needless to say, Nattie was horrified and quite annoyed when she found out Paige had played a joke on her, but the rest of us were beside ourselves with glee.
Welcome to the cast, Paige.
We do have to address the “Nena” cliffhanger we were left with last season, because it lead to some big-time Bella family drama that got so bad, JJ basically needed to be sedated.
Yeah…. Brother Bella bringing the drama, as per usual.
John “Superman” Cena made the difficult decision to let Nikki Bella go so she could figure out what she truly wanted in her life. The thing is, he didn’t tell her that this whole thing was prompted from a sit down discussion with her family, which Brie found shocking. She was actually humbled by his actions and quickly started to regret their decision as a family to have that talk with John.
Cearly, Nikki was miserable, as we all are during break-ups or time apart, or whatever, and that just furthered proved to Brie that they had made the wrong decision. During a family dinner, Mama Bella pushed Brie to tell Nikki the truth about what had happened, and finally she did. That made the entire family blow up at one another. Seriously, the best part of all was when Brie decided to correct her sister in mid-sentence about the fact the family invited John to breakfast and not to lunch. And that was probably the final straw. Nikki stormed out, refusing to speak to anyone. She called a cab to come and get her, and when Brie tried to talk to her, she rolled the window down a crack. Brie barely got an apology out before Nikki rolled the window back up and sped off.
The tension carried over to work, where Nikki informed her sister that she would be professional but they wouldn’t be speaking.
The good thing, at least for Nikki, is that John was waiting for her with open arms and they had a happy reunion.
Total Divas was glorious. It was basically the perfect premiere episode. If this momentum stays, then I definitely won’t get bored this season. We have a lot to look forward too, including the promise of Rosa Mendes potentially falling off the wagon. Alicia Fox still has to debut on the show. More Bella tension is teased. And of course there’s some relationship drama with newlyweds Eva Marie and Jonathan (which also includes a medical scare). I’m very happy to say that next week can’t come soon enough!
Until then… xoxox!
